tribute to my dad

my dad passed away on feb. 9, 2011. he had been battling MS for about 15 years. its a devestating disease. i can't imagine my body slowly shutting down, one part after another. honestly i didn't even understand most of it, the pain and the desperation he must have felt, until i had a major surgery that kicked my ass pretty bad. i had my surgery on feb 23, 2011 and after it, during my recovery, i felt his presence so strongly. every move i made, hurt. it was like for the first time, i understood how he felt all those years. it tore me up! but at the same time, i realized he was in pain, especially at the end, but now he's not. it was like God gave me this ridiculously rare (bone cyst) that would take me through hell and back...knowing that i would be ok in the end...and i would be able to look back on the experience and see the answer to my question. why? why did he have to go so soon. well now i can honestly say i'm so glad he did. he was a really amaZing man. he had this sense of humor that even when he was tired, sad or hurting, he had to crack a joke about something. he would always introduce me to the staff at his assisted living facility as "this is my son, erin". then i'd say "thanks mom".

everyone loved him. he was handsome and charismatic...much like my brother. i have no doubt that his humor and friendship...his love and smile...made it much easier for his friends in the home to get through their days too. there was an elderly lady at the home that didn't want anyone to feed her but my dad. he would sit in there with her and feed her as often as he could. i can only imagine how great of a life he could have had if he never got MS. but then again, before he was diagnosed he was also on drugs and we hadn't seen him for years. i believe had he not gotten MS, i may have never got to know what a great dad i had. so i guess it was a blessing in disguise...bittersweet for sure. he taught me a lot in the last 2 years he was here. a lot of people with MS suffer major depression. i'm sure he was depressed at times. i would do anything to see him look up at me when i walked through his door and say "erin. hey." a few days before he went into the hospital for the last time, he asked me to take him to the cafe in his rehabilitation center, for some coffee. the whole time i was wheeling him there, he kept looking back at me. just staring. then i was making his coffee for him. he just stared more. he never once took his eyes off me. he didn't say much. it was like he was taking me all in, like he knew.
a few hours before he passed a way, i held his hand and told him i loved him and goodbye. kinda like in the movies, he squeezed my hand back. i know he heard me.

for the one year anniversary of his passing, i spent the entire morning with my brother. it was great.

we went fishing for a little while. had lunch together. and just laughed and chatted just like we were kids again. we used to call each other 'bud' all the time. he was my best friend ever...still is!

i'm sure my dad was watching us laughing and smiling too.

for his birthday, he would have been the big 5-0. dang i would have loved to tease him!

we made him a cake, sang him happy birthday...and sent him balloons in heaven.

it was a great experience. especially for my kids. we all wrote notes on the balloons for him.

i love you dad.

see you one day.