lost and found.

once you hit the bottom, you can't go any lower.

you linger for a while there. 

you wallow in the hurt.

you pity yourself cause no one else is.

nobody sees the hurt that you really feel cause you keep it so deep inside.

what if you let it out?

then they'll know...

hold it tight, as close as possible.

whatever you do, don't share it.

cause you need it.

you need that place to go...

that place full of anger. resentment. pain.

bitterness.

you know that place though!

it's safe. it's where you always go.

they know you there, you're not alone there.

but really, you are.

and you know it.

it is cold. it is black. it is deep.

it is heavy and solid.

like a whole you've fallen in and you don't even dare attempt to escape.

you just fall in and sit there.

comfortable. alone. quiet.

only it's not really quiet...

cause all the voices are screaming at you.

they're hurting your ears. your body. your muscles.

yet you can't move. you freeze.

you breath becomes faster.

you feel the fire burning. your heart pounding.

your body tightens and you lash out at everyone.

just don't let them in, then you can't be hurt anymore.

problem solved!

only now it's worse.

now everyone is backing away from you.

why?

that question replays in your mind over and over.

but do you answer it? no.

cause if you answered it, then you would have to be honest...

with yourself.

and that's harder than anything.

being honest with yourself. looking inside.

answering your own questions.

stop looking outward for the answers.

look inward.

stop asking everyone else to fix you.

you are your own problem.

i know this because i was mine!

i stood in the way of myself. 

i wasn't ready to let go.

i fought with the big guy and i lost.

everyday since i can remember i was determined to win.

i was going to win everything so i could never be hurt.

and i lost it all.

it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

once you are lost inside and have no where to turn but in and up...

you'll know what i mean.

you'll understand despair beyond belief.

you'll have more compassion. more love. 

you will want to be honest because you know that hurt...

and maybe you can help someone else.

people will think you are strange at first.

that's ok. let them. they need you.

they need to hear you say those words...

i gave up on my life. i finally failed in my plans.

they need to hear you say you didn't start at the top.

you started back at the bottom, on your knees...

praying to God to help you through.

and you never stopped.

you never stop praying. everyday.

big and small, pretty and ugly.

you pray.

you curse.

you cry.

you demand.

but then, slowly your heart softens.

your shoulders lighten.

the headaches go away.

the hurt leaves your body.

you stop being sick all the time.

life starts to look sweeter.

for years you wait for the other shoe to drop again...

and as time goes by, it might.

but you remember it's not your shoe.

you didn't drop it. it was His plan all along.

"fear isn't from God"

stop being afraid to move on.

leave the hurt behind. 

if it's people, chose to set them aside to heal yourself first.

what is hurting you about them now, will be different when you're healed.

some people just can't love you the way you love them.

don't hold that in. it's not your fault.

you really are worth more than that...

i promise.

see your hurt. name it. give it to Him.

stop taking it back!

give it to God and leave it with him.

forgive yourself. forgive those that hurt you.

you'll know when it's working.

you'll look back at situations and not cry anymore.

your nightmares will be gone.

you'll get to be new again.

and it is the best thing in the world.

to lose yourself and be found again.

<3 erinthemom