i'm a hypocrite christian.

* warning. i'm about to get all God like up in the hizzy. 

years, even months ago, i'd have read that and thought,

"huh?"

but today it hit me like a ton of bricks.

lately i've been struggling with a few things.

actually, i always struggle with things.

i can't shut my mind off...it's a blessing and a curse.

more so lately, it's a blessing.

1 john 2 15-17

"do not love the world or anything in the world..."

i have NOT been living for God.

don't get me wrong. i live a good life.

i don't make bad choices. i'm a great mom and wife.

i am a good person, no doubt.

but these feelings keep creeping up on me.

just last night i pouted to my husband that i have nothing

exciting to look forward to. nothing.

i got stuck in what he had going on and found myself

feeling alone and wondering what is going on in my

life that is so great? nothing.

my mind told me this:

i don't get to go on any exciting vacations.

i don't get to plan fun house projects.

i don't get to have something everyday to get me out of the house.

i don't have anything to look forward to.

all i have is a home to take care of and a bunch of people who rely on me to get them through life. that. is. all.

but. my heart told me this:

this isn't right.

something is wrong.

you aren't thinking clearly.

pull yourself together woman!

and suddenly it occurred to me i was still living for everyone else.

i wasn't living for God.

i haven't been the proverbs wife i want to be,

the woman God has asked me to be.

*SIDEBAR* to those of my non-believing friends reading this. do me a favor and DON'T get freaked out by this. i know ya'll get uncomfortable when someone talks about God. and that's totally ok. but a lot of the things you talk about might make me uncomfortable too...but i listen, cause i love you. and i'm still me so just calm down, mmmkay?

PROVERBS 31 10-31

 this is my go to when i feel like my life is spiraling.

my life IS as a wife and mother.

it's not at work, the gym or on vacation.

i got lost thinking it was because i fell into the ways of the world...yet again.

i found myself loving things of this world.

i was wandering further away from who God has called me to be.

i was wallowing in my own self pity of "me me me"

"but whoever does the will of God lives forever"

God's will for me has been SO obvious in my life from the time i was in 6th grade and i started attending our local church.

i just ignored it.

all these women i knew that "followed God" had so much going on!

how was i supposed to keep up with that?

if that's what it meant to be a christian, then no thanks.

my life was already too chaotic but if i was a christian and i told people that, then they would hold me to higher standards and what if i failed then they'd all look at me and say "haha she failed, bad christian, bad christian" and then they'd snarl at me and laugh like hyenas and i just couldn't  bear the thought of that.

breathe...

then i quit fighting it, and i accepted what was infront of me all along. i accepted God into my life.

and guess what. i failed. just like i knew i would.

but it wasn't what i thought it would be.

i KNOW without a doubt many of you have looked at me and thought i'm a huge hypocrite. i have lived my life surrounded by you all so i know what you say and how you feel cause you make it a huge point to point it out. hell, i was YOU not too long ago.

but God has called me to be that person. to fail. but to keep going.

to show the world my failures and to be honest. to show you all the "ugly" side of imperfection. to make terrible choices but have the self confidence to say "yep i did that but i've forgiven myself". to tell ya'll that i am just like you. i get lost in this world. 

and then i get found again.

God is always there for you whether you chose to see Him or not.

so what do i have to look forward to that's so great? where am i going with all this?

simply...heaven. that's where i'm going.

i see the exciting things i have ahead of me.

i see my rewards when i look at my children.

i know my rewards i have waiting for me in Heaven.

i see my life and all that i've worked for when i'm with my husband.

i fail like any other person and i admit it.

i forgive people that have hurt me beyond words.

i forgive myself for the hurt i've caused others.

i'm not perfect by any means.

i don't always talk about God and i definitely do not quote scripture to every person i run into.

i try to lead by example in all my actions, not my words.

friends: live for God. in all your actions, 

ask yourself who you are trying to please. 

and i'll close with this which is what struck me this morning to see what i have and who i am:

"charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

honor her for all that her hands have done,

and let her works bring her praise at the city gate"

proverbs 31 30-31

Much love, erinthemom.