tell them how special they are.

to my husband.

i'm so glad you're alive.

(just to be clear, he wasn't near death. i'm just really glad he is alive!)

i'm always thinking about life. and death...but mostly life.

this here blog post, is about death...and then life.

i feel like i'm losing ya? read on...

life is such a roller coaster and it's full of questions we are 

left with when death strikes around us like a hot lightning bolt.

when you lose someone, you will without a doubt start to question yourself.

you'll question things like, "what was the last thing i said to him?"

or, "did he know how much i loved him, how much i really loved him?"

it will take a while to get past those thoughts, or maybe you never will.

when my aunt passed so suddenly, i thought,

"i never got to tell her how beautiful she was"

when my grandmas passed, i got to say,

"stop fighting grandma, it's ok, it's time to go"

when my dad passed, i was there an hour before,

he squeezed my hand and i prayed for him.

but the years after his passing, i questioned everything,

"why didn't i go see him more when i had the chance"

when you lose someone you love so much in the core of your heart,

it profoundly changes you.

i can't say i live in the moment anymore.

i also don't live in the past.

i guess my thoughts linger somewhere in the future.

actually my thoughts linger just about everywhere and anywhere,

and occasionally nowhere. but that's not common.

the "what ifs?" constantly run through my mind.

everyone says "you can't live that way!"

but, actually i can.

it's not easy. but i can.

i even wake up every single morning and say 

"God, i'm giving it all to you today. 

take these worries. take this pain"

and then go on about my day, or my week.

everything might be just great!!

and then, boom, lightning strikes.

 i hear about a person who passed away from cancer.

or a car accident. or MS. or any number of tragedies.

i'm reminded that it is real. it does happen.

hell, it happened to someone i love.

once you have lost family members repeatedly

or you have experienced your own trauma, (the kind

that everyone says "that will never happen to me"...)

but it happened to you. that kind of trauma...

your world stops and you start seeing it in such a different way.

people do die. it happens. it's horrible. 

i stress about it, often.

but mostly, i think, 

what was the last thing i said to them?

did i tell them i love them?

did i hug them real tight or was i too busy on my phone?

did i look them in the eye when they spoke to give them my full attention?

did i take time out of my busy life to simply say hi?

what if my husband walked out the door this morning and never came home?

would he know all the great things i think about him?

well here they are, in writing, publicly embarrassing him most likely.

you literally light up my life.

not in a cliche sort of way. in a literal way.

people say you find happiness inside,

but i found it from you.

when you walk in the door everyday, 

i feel this deep sigh of relief.

not because you can now help me with the kids,

but because i get to see you for one more day.

i was 17 when we met.

i didn't know who i was or where my life was going,

but there was something about you that drew me in.

you are a man of few words and a solid exterior.

you don't welcome people right in, you make them fight for it.

it used to drive me crazy because i thought it was rude!

but as time went on, i realized, i loved you for it!

i love how you don't just open up for anyone.

i love how you only allow people in once you can trust them.

sometimes i wish you'd give people more chances ;)

but you know who you are and you don't need anyone to influence you.

you are strong willed and no nonsense.

that is what makes you a great leader for our kids.

you are funny and loving.

that is what makes you a great husband.

you are understanding but only when i force you to be.

that is what drives us both crazy lol.

above all of that, you do so much for us.

and we don't have much to give you in return,

not in monetary value atleast.

we just have us.

we're all a mess. the house can be a mess, too.

the lawn keeps growing. the dog keeps pooping.

the kids keep eating. everything, they eat everything.

the laundry keeps piling up and the sports never end.

but you have us, right?

i've learned nothing is more important than that.

once tragedy hits, the laundry doesn't seem like such a big deal.

once life fights back, the dog poop isn't all that bad.

once we hit rock bottom, the sports are a great distraction.

right now, where we are, is a good place.

we don't have much money in the bank,

but we are all healthy.

we don't have 2 vehicles, 

but at least we have 1.

we don't have the biggest TV,

but at least we can watch movies together.

we don't have a bed that works,

but at least we have a mattress! haha.

and that is more than enough. 

our bills are paid, our bellies are full, our kids are happy.

our love is strong.

and that is all because of you,

because you never give up.

day after day you work for our family

and we love the crap out of you for it.

and wherever our life goes from here,

we are in it together.

you lucky dog ;)

that is my tribute to my husband.

normally i wouldn't put all that out there,

but i did. 

and i hope you take the time to do it for someone you love too.

because if you haven't lost anyone yet, you are truly blessed,

and you should fully cherish those around you!!

we never know when our loved ones will be gone.

there is great comfort in knowing they have gone off to a much

more beautiful place and they are happy and healthy once again.

so until that time comes, love them while they are on earth.

<3 erinthemom