going back

i want to go back in time.

no seriously, like, really...back in time.

 

one reason, that's kinda random...

 i want to be with my daughter at super bowl XXV in 1991

not to see the game, but to see whitney houston sing the star spangled banner.

wouldn't that have been the most amazing thing!?
her and i listen to that song a lot. it always gives me goosebumps and...

i'm embarrassed to admit it kinda makes me cry a little.

 

but then there are those other days i could also go back to.

the ones i wish i could change...

the days i took for granted cause i just didn't know what was to come.

 

the day i left our gate open and my uncles dog got out and was hit.

the day i made fun of my brother for giving my mom a book for a gift that he had

wrapped with duct tape, not understanding she wouldn't be able to open it.

the day my mom said i couldn't go out with my friends, so i threw a tantrum, infront of everyone lol.

the day i told my dad i couldn't stay any longer at the nursing home to visit him.

 

i would shut the gate.

i'd sit quietly and be proud of my brother.

i'd be calm and not act a fool.

i'd stay with my dad all day.

 

unfortunately, going back isn't an option. not physically anways.

everyone says "don't look back...look forward"

but really, that's hard to do sometimes.

our past defines who we become.

so when i learn from something, or i have a flashback of something,

i'm remembering the past. the good...and the bad.

 

but, i can't forget those days that i could go back to and not change a thing.

 

the day each of my kids were born.

the day my grandma passed. i was able to tell her 'its ok, stop fighting now.'

the day i prayed with my dad, the same day he passed.

the day i met my future husband.

 

i'd hold them just as close and as long as i did.

i'd hold her hand and tell her it again.

i'd pray that same prayer with him.

i'd stare at him all over again.

 

life is pretty crazy.

i usually hold myself together pretty well cause honestly,

i don't want anyone to think,

"now there's a girl that looks like she's been through the wringer".

i want to be the girl that is strong and that has survived a lot.

i want my kids to see that in me.

but then there's these damn days that tell me to....go back.

and i do.

 

i fall into the trap. it's like a spiral too.

and the only way off is to literally, go to sleep! haha

which i'm about to do any minute now...

 

but ya, today was one of those days.

i've questioned so many things.

full well knowing i don't have the answers.

God does. He know the plans He has for me.

sometimes i wonder if life is just one giant obstacle and there is someone

watching me and timing me to see if i win or lose.

 

no, God doesn't watch us for winning or losing.

He doesn't watch us and say "oh well now erin, you went back instead of forward, shame shame"

He knows our hearts. He knows our minds.

our thoughts...our intentions.

and life is about juggling and balancing.

 

but when we put God first, he helps hold the balance beam straight.

He catches the balls we drop, cause lets face it, juggling is flipping hard!

He doesn't let us fall back in time.

He is there right beside us the whole way, waiting for us to let Him in.

and eventually we'll look back on those days and we'll know,

it was all part of His plan. it happened His way. we're not in charge here.

 

it is ok to look back. we just shouldn't do it alone.

and definitely shouldn't stay there too long either ;)

 

"there is a time for everything, and a season for every

activity under the heavens" ecclesiastes 3.

 

 

.erin.